Perhaps the most damaging (internal) attribute of my youth…

Looking back from my youth all the way to my 40s the predominant internal problem—the thing I wish I would have changed most—would be my rigid perspective that I had things figured out.

Man, I could reason that out to the nth degree, too. I could articulate and argue all of my points—absolutely “winning” more discussions and arguments than not. I had the Bible verses memorized, the library of sermons in my head, the thousands of books I’d read.

Yet I would not consider that I could learn more and more importantly—mature in love more—if I were to stop believing I had the corner on doctrine and theology. If I would have just been more curious, especially with the elder people around me (i.e. 50+ years old), I would have matured in ways that mattered instead of just stacking up knowledge that made me better at defending and debating.

And I would have wholly denied that this was what I was doing—no, I was “defending the faith” and “leading others to the truth” but really I was just relationally and emotionally immature. And over time that rigid immaturity grew fracture-by-fracture into egocentricism and the unquestionable position that “I know the way.”

I lived as though I was a guide to the blind, while denying it the whole time. I was “apostolic” or “prophetic” and therefore that strong edge and those firm positions were just a reflection of my gifting—of God’s call on my life to “lead”. But they weren’t. They were a reflection of my immaturity and inability to understand the true nature of transformation and love.

“Love” was easily name-slapped onto anything I did. “It’s love to hit people with the truth,” “it’s not love to let people continue in the error of their ways,” “it’s not love to stand by while people (fill in the blank)”. And while I’ll say that there’s certainly truth in these statements, there do not align with how God created humanity for transformation—knowledge doesn’t transform but loving relationship does.

All too often I chose knowledge instead of loving relationship. I chose messaging instead of loving relationship. I chose my perspective on “truth” instead of loving relationship. I chose my doctrine, theology or vision over loving relationship. And the result was that I barely transformed and I barely offered transformation to those around me.

I only know what it’s like to have lived my life so I’m unsure what tendency others had towards the things I described, but I would hope beyond hope that maybe a few would read this and instead of brushing it off would choose to up their curiosity, gentleness, humility and loving attachment over proving their positions, dying on their mental altars, and isolating their lives through a perceived superior “rightness” and “truth”.